Trinity Diaries


18th October 1943, Totnes, Devon

We had an American sergeant in casualty today. He was very handsome. He started flirting with me, I was rather flattered. But, in the end, I had to point out I’m a lot older than I look. I’m sure he’d have soon lost interest if he knew I was forty-three.

Naturally, I also pointed out I was married, but it didn’t seem to bother him in the least. These Americans: they don’t seem to care! I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the war. A man like him could be sent to his death any day, it’s no wonder he’s a bit forward.

I was tempted, I must admit. It would be fun to go dancing with an American soldier. There’d be no harm in it. A few drinks together, dancing, going to the pictures… as long as it didn’t develop into anything further. But that’s the problem: sooner or later it would.

No doubt that’s what he really wants; that’s all any of these soldiers ever want. American, British, Canadian, doesn’t matter, they all want the same thing. Except my Billy, of course. He was a real gentleman… sometimes I wish he hadn’t been. There was that night we had the room to ourselves at the nurse’s quarters. I’d sneaked him in, no-one had seen. It was a wonderful night. We could have gone further… maybe we should have gone further. I swear I’d have let him if he’d asked. But we agreed we’d wait for our wedding night.

How many times since then I’ve wished we hadn’t waited. It’s not just that we never got to do it, it’s more that I’ve always felt it would have bound us together, made us whole somehow… even after Billy died.

It was never the same with Gordon. He’s kind and gentle, he’s a good man, but there’s no passion. Not like Billy. And not like I know Brendan would be. But I mustn’t think about that. It’s a sin.

Lord, thank you for giving me the wisdom to recognise temptation; and for giving me the strength to resist it. Now, if you could also give me the peace of a good night’s sleep, your faithful servant, Sarah Elizabeth Louise Wilkes would be very grateful.